2012 was supposed to be the best year of my life. It was a year that I had looked forward to since I was very young and in middle school. It was the year I was supposed to graduate college and celebrate my biggest accomplishment with all of my family. This major achievement, although it did happen and I graduated that year and had and amazing celebratory dinner with my friends and family, was missing something major. Growing up, I did not know that 2012 would bring such havoc to not only my life, but the lives of all my family. To me, my whole life growing up now seems as though it was a ticking time bomb and as the numbers digitally changed from 1990 to 1991, ‘92, ‘93, all the way up to 2012, I was never prepared for what was to come late that year. 2012 is forever filled with my worst memories thus far. I could never, ever, imagine going through something like that again and would never hope to do so at such a young age.
All throughout middle and part of high school, I loved to bake. Aside from the occasional cookies and pumpkin-spiced cupcakes, I baked brownies. Mostly, I baked the delicious double chocolate chunk brownies for myself in the beginning but after my first few batches, I began baking them for someone much more important - my brother.
He loved my brownies. There was nothing special about them, really. I used the simple ingredients written on the box and added nothing more than what the recipe called for, but he loved them. He always use to ask me when the next time was that I was going to make brownies. I use to love making them because I knew how much happiness they brought to my brother. How could something so simple bring so much happiness to someone? I’m not quite sure, but I’m glad that they did.
After a while, I stopped baking them. My brother constantly moved out for rehab and sober living homes so I didn’t see much use into baking something for just myself when the one person who loved them most wouldn’t get to enjoy another delicious bite.
I remember being in high school and always thinking about college and how one day I would graduate and I would be happy as everything would be perfect…I couldn’t have been more wrong.
You see, after graduation I moved back home to San Diego and my boyfriend, who had lived eight hours away from SD, moved to the sunny city just to be with me. I thought everything was perfect. Why wouldn’t it be? I was done with school (minus one math class), my boyfriend, who I am madly in love with, moved just to be with me, I landed an internship in the summer just a few weeks after graduation and everything seemed to be moving smoothly. I had no idea that my life’s ticking time bomb would finally go off only 5 months later.
My brother died on October 5, 2012. I was, and still am, devastated. My world stopped.
I want so badly to be able to sit on the couch and watch a movie with him. I want to bake him brownies again so badly but that will never happen. I wish he could have met his daughter and I wish I could have gone with him to the park to play with his son. There are so many things I wish I would have done differently and so many things I wish I would have said - or not said. Quite honestly, I wish 2012 wouldn’t have been such a tremendous year that I so looked forward to growing up because little did I know, all I was counting down to was my brothers death.
I can’t remember when the last time was that I made brownies but I do know this; I never thought a chocolate dessert would mean so much to me.